A guy and a girl are in a heavy make out session when the girl asks the guy to put his finger inside her. He does.
She asks him to put two fingers inside. He does.
She asks him to put his whole hand in. He does.
Then, she asks him to put in his other hand and clap. He puts in the other hand, but he can't clap.
She smiles, "Tight, huh? I told you I was a virgin!"
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Punishment for Gates
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Police chief hates you
Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!
10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.
5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
1. Your locker is also the broom closet!!
Reasons to stay at work all night
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Easter Jokes
Q: How do bunnies stay healthy?
A: Eggercise
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: A good Easter.
Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!
Q: "Why are you studying your Easter candy?"
A: "I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A Hot Cross bunny.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A: A harenet.
Q: What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
A: Thistle have to do!
Q: Is it true that bunnies have good eye sight?
A: Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?
Q: What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
A: Cheer up!
Q: Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
A: It has 4 rabbits' feet.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. "
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
A: Eggercise
Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny?
A: A good Easter.
Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!
Q: "Why are you studying your Easter candy?"
A: "I'm trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"
Q: What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A: A Hot Cross bunny.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A: A harenet.
Q: What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
A: Thistle have to do!
Q: Is it true that bunnies have good eye sight?
A: Well you never see a bunny wearing glasses, do you?
Q: What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
A: Cheer up!
Q: Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
A: It has 4 rabbits' feet.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service. "
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..." "Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Pray For Gifts
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
Blind Carpenter
A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."
The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman does this and says "Ready!"
The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."
The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."
The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."
The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"
The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat."
He got the job.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Student Fails ?
Why student fails in exam???????
Its not the fault of the student if he/she fails, Because the year has an ONLY 365 days. Typical academic year for a student.
1. Sundays- 52,Sundays in a year, which are rest days. Balance 313 days.
2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Balance 263 days.
3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 122 days. Balance 141 days.
4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days. Balance 126 days.
5. Two hours daily for food & other delicacies (chew properly & eat)-means 30 days. Balance 96 days.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days . Balance 81 days.
7. Exam days per year at least 35 days. Balance 46 days.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays)-40 days. Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness at least 3 days. Balance 3 days.
10. Movies and functions at least 2 days. Balance 1 day.
11. That 1 day is your birthday.
Three reasons
TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round ?
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Stumping Dear Abby
Dear Abby admitted she was at a total loss to answer these...
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
-----------------
Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
-----------------
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. Is he crazy?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, but he finally did it.
-----------------
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What do I do?
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
-----------------
Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
-----------------
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. Is he crazy?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, but he finally did it.
-----------------
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
-----------------
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What do I do?
Step, step, Roar
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, "I was being the ring bear."
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, "I was being the ring bear."
Sweet child
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, "I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Daddy's Password
I know Daddy's password!
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
10 Years
Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
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